Dyslexia affects people in different ways. Some people with dyslexia might have trouble sounding out words when reading, or might have a hard time remembering how to spell a word. They might also have trouble understanding what they’re reading or have trouble with handwriting. Some people with dyslexia might also have trouble with math, or with organizing their thoughts. There are different types of dyslexia, and it affects people to different degrees. Dyslexia isn’t caused by a person being lazy or not trying hard enough; it’s just a different way of learning.
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Dying to Read There is only one nightmare more frightening to a parent than that the death of one of their children. That is the possibility that he might die at his own hand. Suicide is without a doubt the most devastating tragedy that can befall any family, one that leaves its mark for years to come. It speaks to our innermost sense of helplessness when it comes to raising our children. And, of course, the most terrible thought is that we could have done something to prevent it had we just known. As the teen years take hold, our fear increases. We watch mood swings and wonder, "Is he just having a bad day, or is it something more?" She locks herself in her room for hours on end and we ask ourselves, "Will she come out of this on her own, or should I seek help?" He makes what appears to be an off hand comment about not wanting to live and we face the dilemma, "If I overreact it may make things worse, but if I do nothing and something happens, how will I ever live with myself?" Unfortunately, parents have good reasons to be concerned. Suicide is, after all, the third leading cause of death among older teens and young adults, surpassed only by accident and homicide. There are those who say that even a teen involved in an accident or homicide may have been exhibiting a subliminal sort of self-destructive behavior. Nonetheless, a child in high school is more likely to die by his own hand than of cancer, heart disease, AIDS, pneumonia, and influenza put together. There is are several reasons that suicide has become a larger piece of the statistical pie for cause of death during the past century. First, society and science have worked hard to defeat the mortality rates of such 20th century killers as cancer, pneumonia and the flu. For instance, early detection and intervention with specialized treatments has given leukemia a survival rate of well over 95%. And almost no young person of average health need worry about death from the pneumonia or influenza that would have killed his great grandmother before she reached his age. Another reason for the increased percentage of death by suicide is social. Numerous changes in our society have placed younger people under greater stress at earlier ages that ever before in history. Divorce and blended families introduce complications to family relationships. Interactions with the opposite sex take place at younger ages, and are often more intense. Even something as positive as our very mobile society often leads to children picking up roots several times before they reach adulthood. When two or all three of these factors occur at the same time, they can create a sense of stress that would break the back of a well-adjusted adult, much less a teen who is still trying to find who he is. For teens with learning difficulties, a place as innocuous as a classroom can become an arena of torment and self-doubt. Although many teachers are caring and sympathetic individuals who have their student's best interest at heart, it only takes one badly chosen remark to break a child's hard fought for reserve of self-esteem. If the remark should come from a peer, or even worse a parent, then the teen's sense of despair and hopelessness becomes set in stone. Given all this, perhaps it should not surprise us to learn that each year 1 out of every 10,000 teens in the United States commits suicide. Even more frightening, for every student that succeeds, perhaps as many as 25 attempt to take their own lives. That is 2.5% of the teen and young adult population. To put this in perspective, think of this: almost three-quarters of the high schools in the United States enroll over 1000 students. That means that in any given year, as many as 25 of these boys and girls, young people on the very brink of life, reach such a level of despair that they try to take their own lives. Where are these 25 students? Is one of them sitting next to you at the football game, or stopping by to pick up some class notes? Maybe she's bagging your groceries or babysitting your youngest? Or maybe one of them is that sleeping loved one you just looked in on before going to bed? What can cause such a young person to reach such desperation? For most teens, a suicide attempt is a cry for help, a plea for relief from a sense of overwhelming despair in the face of stress. The sources of stress in teens is similar to that of adults: relationship conflicts, family difficulties and traumatic life events, such as the death of a loved one or a cross-country move. However, there is one other factor that is extremely stressful for teens, that adults may not even remember: the pressure to constantly learn and process new information. Let's face it, few adults walk into the workplace everyday only to be presented with a stack of information he is expected to master in time for a test next week. But that is the day to day life of a high school student. Pretend for a moment you are your high school aged child. Everyday you are faced with new intellectual challenges in a wide range of subjects. Most of the material you've never seen before, so you have to begin learning from scratch. What happens if you can't learn the material? Well, you might be able to hide that fact for a while, but eventually it is going to come out. First, your teacher will find out when she grades your test. Maybe she'll very tactfully lay your paper face down on your desk. But when you pick it up, one of your classmates sees your grade. Soon, your friends hear about it through that insidious grapevine of teen gossip. And of course, eventually your parents will find out, either at a teacher conference or when the report cards come out. And then what? Will they stop you from seeing your all important friends? Will they yell or maybe even hit you? Depending on your circumstances, and how well you can cope with these feelings, the thought of just ending it all may become attractive, especially if this has been the pattern of your whole life. "Oh, come now," you may be thinking. "These kids don't know what real stress is. After all, they've probably never heard of a mortgage or the rise in unemployment. What have they got to be worried about?" The answer is, unfortunately for many, you--mom or dad or any other adult whom they want to please. While our kids may pretend not to care about what we think or want, our opinion means a great deal to them. In many ways we are the mirror in which they see themselves. If we are showing them an image of someone who just isn't up to snuff, they are going to believe they are that person. You may still be wondering if a learning disability such as dyslexia can really drive a child to such desperation that he would take his own life. Well, according to statistics, it can. One study done in Los Angeles found that 50 percent of students committing suicide had been diagnosed with some sort of learning difference. That is as opposed to five percent of students in the population at large. That means that a teen with a learning disability such as dyslexia is 10 times as likely to commit suicide as someone without a learning difficulty. Even more telling, a study in Canada examined the suicide notes left by 267 teens. According to researchers, an amazing 89% of the notes had spelling and grammatical errors indicative of learning disabilities. The most significant findings concerning the relationship between learning disability and teen suicide came out of a study done by researchers at Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center in 2000. In the study, researchers followed a group of 188 high school students from the age of 15 to 18. What they found was frightening. According to Dr. Stephanie Daniel, In our study, poor readers were three times more likely than typical readers to consider or attempt suicide and six times more likely to drop out of school. Educators and parents should be aware of the risk of suicidal thoughts and behavior among adolescents with reading problems. Dr. Frank Wood noted that dyslexia and other reading difficulties were even more significant than mental illness in predicting suicidal thoughts. Significant reading difficulties were independent of, or over and beyond, the risk from the psychiatric conditions. Regardless of whether they have independent psychiatric disorders, these students begin to get depressed or suicidal in higher numbers than typical readers. One researcher who spent years studying not just suicides but all forms of self-harming behaviors (including cutting and other forms of mutilation) found among dyslexics made this observation. The interview evidence points to attempted suicide as a way of coping due to not fitting in, it come as a result of frustration and anxiety about their difficulties which one can only suggest by the earlier results are related to dyslexia. Dyslexia is not just about reading and writing, it affects every communication and thought the sufferer experiences. It touches every part of the school curriculum and every part of communicating and interacting with society around us. When a dyslexic attempts suicide, they are saying ‘enough is enough, I can’t take it anymore’. Whilst other indirect factors are involved, it should not be underestimated how dyslexia affects relationships and the pressure that dyslexics feel as an outsider to even their own family. Many do not fit into their own family and unless a dyslexic finds a sympathetic life partner, their suffering continues in trying to fit into a world that many dyslexics find inhospitable. While as a parent of two dyslexic teens I find these statistics and studies terrifying, we need to keep some perspective. First, most dyslexic teens do not try to commit suicide. If you look back over the statistics I just cited, you will see that none of them rise anywhere close to five percent. Also, even though many teens admit to having suicidal thoughts, most will never act on them. And finally, there is much that we as parents can do to help our dyslexic students cope with their stress in such a way that they are empowered to overcome their challenges and embrace their learning differences as the true gifts they can be. Chapter 2: Early Warning Signs One of the good things about teen suicide is there are usually many distinct warning signs that parents can recognize indicating a child is considering hurting himself. That means that most parents will have an opportunity to intervene and prevent a tragedy. Before we get into this, though, a word of caution. Some of these signs can also be associated with normal adolescent angst. If your teen is acting in a way that you don't understand, or doing things that seem bizarre to you, just remember one thing—they are a teenager. The key is to be aware and be cautious without worrying yourself to death over every little change. While this is an incredibly delicate balancing act, so is most of parenting, so you're probably used to it by now. So here are some signs that your teen MAY be thinking about harming himself. 1. Changes in eating. For many teens, food is the one thing in their life they feel they can control. If your child starts eating less and less, this may be a form of self-harming behavior. Or it could be that the child is under so much stress because of school difficulties that he has just lost his appetite. The same could be said of eating more and more, especially if it is leading to rapid weight gain in a formerly thin child. Generally speaking, eating disorders are more common among girls than boys. 2. Changes in sleeping. While teens are notorious for needing more sleep because they are growing so fast, excessive sleeping can also be a sign of depression. This is especially so if it takes the form of falling asleep in a difficult class. Many teens use sleep as an escape from the pressures of a world they have difficulty coping with. 3. Withdrawal from friends and family. Adolescence is often a time when children become more interested in being with their peers than with their families. While this is normal, you should be concerned if your child is withdrawing from everyone, as this can be a sign of increased stress, sadness or shame over not performing well in school. 4. Dropping out of regular activities. Beware of an athlete who suddenly no longer wants to play, or a student body president who resigns. Be especially aware if your teen is not just changing activities or interests, but is dropping out of everything. 5. Violent and rebellious behavior. While a certain amount of horseplay is common among adolescent boys, you should defiantly be concerned if your teen becomes truly violent, especially if his rage is targeted against adults or authority figures. Some rebellion is a classic part of the teenage years. Excessive rebellion, especially to the point of consistently getting in trouble and drawing punishment, can be a subtle form of self-harming. You should also be concerned about a child who suddenly refuses to attend school. 6. Running away. A teen who runs away from home is running away from his problems. While teen runaways are a problem in and of themselves, a teen is eventually going to realize that he can't escape himself. At that point it may to late to intervene, so running away should be taken seriously from the start. 7. Drug and alcohol use. Again, a certain amount of experimentation, while not good, is not a immediate red flag that a young person is suicidal. For some dyslexic teens, however, drugs and alcohol can become a form of self-medication. One teen even told a researcher that he "feels less dyslexic" when drinking alcohol. While there may some scientific basis for this, in the form of the area of the brain that alcohol effects, the behavior itself in still self-destructive. 8. Neglect of personal appearance. Most teens are notoriously vain and concerned about how they look to peers. So when one stops caring about even the most basic aspects of grooming, it is often a warning sign that something is wrong somewhere. 9. Changes in personality. Teens are known for being moody, but when a formerly outgoing girl is suddenly withdrawn and shy, it may indicate that she is experiencing at least some sort of stress over something in her life. 10. Ongoing problems with boredom or difficulty concentrating. You may be thinking, "But my kid's been that way since he started school." However, if you have a dyslexic child who has not had these symptoms in the past, you want to pay attention if they suddenly appear. 11. Decline in the quality of schoolwork. Again, sudden disinterest is a previously enjoyed subject is a sign that something is wrong. While it may not be as serious as depression, it is still worth looking into. 12. Physical symptoms such as unexplained headaches, stomachaches, and fatigue. Teenagers often manifest physical symptoms when they have emotional turmoil in their lives. Headaches can also be caused if you teen if squinting at words to try to make sense of them. The following are more serious signs, and should be investigated immediately. 1. Refusing to accept rewards or compliments. Unlike some of the earlier symptoms, this should immediately raise a red flag. When a child no longer wants to hear anything good about himself, it can only be because he feels there is nothing good to say, or that he can never live up to the compliments he is receiving. 2. Complaining that he feels that he is a bad person. Most teens use bravado to push their way through situations that they find threatening. When that bravado breaks down, a young person is often overwhelmed by a sense of uselessness that can lead to suicidal thoughts. 3. Making comments like, "I won't be around much longer," or "Its no use. Nothing matters." If your teen is saying things like this, treat it as if it were a smoke detector going off in your home in the middle of the night. Investigate and intervene immediately. 4. "Putting his affairs in order", such as giving away meaningful possessions, throwing away things he formerly valued, and suddenly cleaning his room. Yes, it is just as you suspected. If your child suddenly cleans his room without being told, something could be seriously wrong. On a more serious note, giving things away is often among the final steps taken by someone who is planning a suicide. Again, do not wait. Intervene immediately. 5. Suddenly cheering up after a long bout of depression. This is one of the most insidious aspects of teen suicide. A young person will be depressed and his parents very concerned for a long time. Then he suddenly cheers up and they relax, not realizing that the reason he is happier is that he has finalized his plans to end his life. Intervene immediately to determine what has cheered your teen up. 6. Having signs of psychosis such as bizarre thoughts or hallucinations. The good thing about this symptom is that it will usually get a doctor's attention and facilitate your teen getting immediate help. 7. Taking unusual risks. Sometimes a teen will want to end his life but will not be able to act directly on that feeling. Instead, he will take increasingly dangerous risks such as driving recklessly or repeatedly drinking himself drunk. 8. Stating the obvious, "I want to kill myself." Always act on this statement. Think of it as the equivalent of jokingly claiming to have a bomb in your suitcase. Even if you don't mean it, someone is definitely going to react and prevent you from going any further. 9. Practicing writing suicide notes. If you are concerned that something might be seriously wrong with your teen, feel free to look through school notebooks, journals, etc. for indications of what is going on. Sure, he may get mad, but it's always better to have an angry child than a dead one. Chapter 3: How to Intervene Between Your Teen and Suicide Now that we've discussed the reasons why teens try to end their lives, and the warning signs that they may be progressing toward that end, let's take some time to plan how to prevent this. Step 1: Start with yourself. The most important thing you can do to help your child is to make sure you have your own act together. This means that you are committed to putting your child's welfare ahead of your own plans and ambitions. The fact that you are reading this means that you do care about your child, and want to see them have the best help possible. The good news is that you are ultimately your child's biggest influence. The bad news is that you are ultimately your child's biggest influence. Based on the decisions you make, you have the opportunity to both introduce and reduce stress in his life. The first thing you can do to help you child is to keep your home life as stress free as possible. Try to maintain a healthy balance with your spouse, especially if he/she is also your child's parent. While every couple has arguments and disagreements, try to leave your child out of these. There is nothing wrong with protecting him from your problems. Try not to argue in front of him. If you must discuss something that might get loud, go sit in the car with the windows rolled up, or take a ride to a local park. If your marriage is in serious trouble, try to involve a family counselor as soon as possible. Hopefully she will be able to help you work through your problems to keep your family intact. However, even if she is not able to help you and your spouse preserve your marriage, she can at least help you get your child through this time as healthfully as possible. Remember that the idea that her parents will divorce is a child's greatest fear. You and your spouse should do all you can to minimize this potential source of trauma. If your marriage is already over, or if you were never married to your child's other parent, try as much as possible to maintain a healthy relationship with your former partner. This is especially true when it comes to caring for your child. Again, resist the temptation to make your problems his problems. As an adult, you have had plenty of experience in life "grinning and bearing it." Now is the time to put those skills to work. If you are not already in a permanent relationship, and your child is exhibiting some of the symptoms described above, now is not the time to be pursuing a new partner. Chances are that if you focus all your time and energy on helping your child through this rough patch, he will soon stabilize and you will be able to pursue your own social life again. Even if you can't, isn't the child who is here now more important than a new lover who might be out there somewhere? On a similar note, if your child is showing signs that he might be considering suicide, you should put as much of the rest of your life on hold as possible. Obviously you may have to work to make ends meet, but if you are a two income home now might be a good time for one parent to take some family leave. Obviously, this is not a good time to go back to school or change careers. These dreams will wait. Your child won't. While the tone of the position of this chapter may sound harsh, I promise you that you will never regret time invested in your child. It is parent's greatest accomplishment to get a teen through the rocky waters of adolescence onto adulthood's safe shore. Step 2: Focus on Your Environment Hopefully by now you have cleared your mental and physical calendar so that you can focus as much time and energy as possible on your troubled teen. Now it is time to take some practical and emotional steps toward helping them. Here are somethings you should do immediately if you have any concerns about your child's mental health. Send guns and other firearms to someone else to store. Get rid of any out-of-date prescriptions and lock up any that you currently need. Even better, leave them at the office. Remember that even such innocuous drugs as aspirin can be harmful if taken in large enough quantities. Consider keeping only small, travel size bottles on hand. Trade out your refillable razor with blades for the plastic, disposable ones. Don't leave the keys to the car at home, especially if it is kept in the garage. This is also important if there is any sort of famous "suicide landmark" such as a high bridge or cliff nearby. Lock up any sharp knives. Put a lock on you Internet to block out sites related to suicide. Studies have shown that repeated exposure to books, videos or even news reports related to suicide can increase a teen's likelihood of trying it himself. Don't plan any family vacations to places that might have tall buildings, cliffs, etc. This might be a good year to stick to a well-known, well monitored theme park. To the greatest extent possible, avoid leaving your teen alone. This doesn't necessarily mean that someone is sitting staring at him 24/7; just try to make sure that he is not home alone, and that he only goes places with other adults or friends that you trust. Step 3: Focus on Your Teen Now is the time to work hard on having a good a relationship as possible with your teen. Hopefully you already have good, open communication. If you don't, now is the time to develop it. There are a number of books on the market about talking with teens, any of which can give you more in depth information. Here are a few tips to get you started. Choose your time well. Think about a time of day when your teen is the happiest and plan to chat then. Toward the end of the day is often a good time, especially if he has just come out of a relaxing shower and is not yet overtired. Choose an innocuous topic to begin with. Ask about a specific movie or YouTube video he may have seen. Avoid any that either of you might find offensive so that you don't get shut down before you even begin. Its easy to check online and find out what's popular at the moment so that you'll know what you're talking about. It might also be fun to watch the video together, talking and laughing about it as you go along. If the conversation is going well, introduce something specific and positive to say to your teen. For instance, "I forgot to tell you how much I appreciate your help with dinner. Its such a relief to know I can count on you." Remember, make it specific and sincere. If things are very strained between you and you are having problems finding a recent example, feel free to delve into the past with a fun or funny family memory. The point is to make a positive connection. Do not use this time to scold or reprimand. Let your child guide the direction of the conversation. When things are going well, try introducing your concerns GENTLY. Try something like, "You know, you've seem kind of tired lately. Is anything going on?" If he shuts you down, don't press. Just move on with something like, "OK, I was just wondering." Never dismiss feelings but don't play into the drama, either. For instance, if your daughter is upset over a boy, don't just blow it off as "puppy love." Let her know that you remember how bad that hurts. But reassure her that she will feel better sooner than she thinks. As your child begins to open up to you, avoid getting angry, even if he is saying something you don't want to hear. If he says he wants to drop out of school, keep your cool. Ask a follow-up question that will help you get more information. Avoid absolute pronouncements, but don't lie either. If your child admits to trying cigarettes, don't demand that he never smoke again; do tell him that you don't like the idea of him introducing chemicals like that into his body. Then try to get more information on why he has decided to smoke. However the conversation goes, be sure to conclude it by reminding your child that you love him and you are always available to talk. Keep repeating the above exercises to build more open communication and reassure your child that you care about what he is doing and how he feels. If your child is showing any of the symptoms mentioned in the previous chapter, don't be afraid to ask him point blank if he is thinking of harming himself. You will not be putting ideas in his head, and his answer could give you some serious insight into his frame of mind. Step 4: Focus on the Professionals If you are concerned that your child is becoming increasingly depressed, and you opened up the lines of communication between the two of you, the next step is to communicate with the other adults in your teen's life. Depending on what is bothering him, this could come to include one or more of the following people. 1. His teachers, principal and school counselors. You are probably reading this because your child has dyslexia or some other learning difference. If so, you are probably already very involved with his teachers. Hopefully you have formed a strong partnership based on mutual respect and commitment to you child's success. In such cases your child's teachers become you main ally in you fight for his survival. Here are some steps to involving your child's teachers in this situation. Before meeting with anyone in your child's school, take time to remember that they work for you. Either your taxes or your tuition money pays their salaries, and you have a right to be heard. Take time to make an outline of what you want to discuss and, if possible, get the outline to the teacher the day before your meeting. Schedule a meeting with each teacher individually, starting with the one whose class is giving him the most problems. Approach this meeting with the attitude of offering to do more yourself rather than asking more from the teacher. Explain your concerns about the impact that his difficulties in this class are having on his emotional well-being. Ask what you can do to help him study at home. Keep the meeting positive and your outlook upbeat. Express your gratitude for all the teacher is already doing and avoid asking her to do more than is absolutely necessary. Remember that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Before you leave schedule another meeting in about a month so that the two of you can review any changes you are making. Make sure she has your phone number, and ask her for her's. She may not give it to you, but if she does be very respectful of her privacy and promise to only use it as a last resort. Then keep that promise. When meeting with a teacher with whom your child has a good rapport, take copious notes about what this teacher feels works when working with your child. Find out his secret techniques for getting your child to do his best on a daily basis. Type up your notes and make sure that from then on each of your child's teachers gets a copy each new year. If you meet with resistance from a teacher and/or get the feeling that she is not going to work toward helping your child, go immediately to the school principal and ask that your child be placed in another class. Be prepared to state your concerns in a specific, non-judgmental, professional manner. Instead of saying, "Mr. Smith is a jerk who cares nothing about my child," try "I know Mr. Smith is a very good teacher, but my child needs to be in a class that takes a more hands-on approach to learning." If you sense that it is the subject matter rather than the teacher that is the problem, allow your child to withdraw from the class in favor of another in the same subject. If 19th Century British Literature is not working out, try English Grammar instead. Make sure that each teacher is aware of your concerns about you child's mental health. Ask each of them to let you know immediately if they see any signs that he might be suicidal. Follow up these meeting with a certified letter to the school documenting who you spoke to and reiterating your concerns. This places the school under a sense of liability that is sure to get their attention. 2. His pediatrician. If your child is showing signs of depression, don't discount the idea that there could be some medical reason. Schedule an appointment with his pediatrician, letting the doctor know ahead of time about you concerns. Not only can he determine if there is any underlying physical cause for the problem, he can also refer you to a psychiatric professional who can help you deal with the mental/emotional aspects of the situation. 3. His coaches. If sports are important to you child, failing to make a team or not playing well can be very upsetting. We as parents tend to fall into three categories. Sports are a waste of time and not important at all. If this is your attitude, that's fine but your teen may not feel the same way. So even if how he is doing in baseball doesn't matter to you, keep in mind that his success there may very well encourage him as he struggles in the classroom. Talk to the coach about any words of encouragement he can offer your child to help him face classroom difficulties. Also, try to avoid his being unnecessarily pulled from the team just because of bad grade. Again, his ultimate mental health and survival are more important than what he made on his last report card. Sports are the most important thing in the world, and my child must be the best. Really? Do you really think that is a good attitude? Shame on you. Think what kind of pressure that could put him under. If you think you might be this kind of parent, ask the coach. He's seen all kinds and can help you get you priorities back in order. Sports are healthy outlet for my child and I will support his participation. If this is your attitude, take a moment and pat yourself on the back. Then call the coach and offer to bring water bottles to the next practice. 4. Religious leader. If you are part of a faith group that has an active club for teens, talk to that leader or some other leader about your concerns. Ask if he has observed any changes or difficulties in your child. Also, if he has special training or experience counseling young people, see if he is willing to meet privately with your child. 5. His friend's parents. This is a tricky one. While in general it is best to let kids work things out on their own, if you child is being seriously bullied, do not hesitate to contact the bully's parents. Again, try to keep the conversation positive and your voice calm. Keep this sort of tone in the conversation, "I know that your daughter is a nice girl and would never want to hurt my daughter's feelings. Could you please encourage her to be more considerate. My daughter is going through a bit of a rough patch right now and it would really help.” Beware of giving details lest you provide the bully with more ammunition. On the other hand, if your son has a good friend who has provided emotional support in the past, its perfectly fine to give his parents a heads up about what's going on and ask them to be on the look out for any specific problems. If you are seriously concerned about your child's mental state, it is important that you are in touch with the adults in any homes he visits. And in general, until things stabilize, he probably should not be left alone in any building housing firearms, etc. 6. Any other adult he cares about. Sometimes a change is as good as a rest. If your child has grandparents or aunts and uncles with whom he can visit for a while, it might be a good idea to schedule such a mini-vacation. A change of scenery can often allow kids to forget their problems, and gives them a chance to focus on new interests. Just make sure that the other adults know the situation and are prepared to keep an eye on things. Chapter 4: An Ounce of Prevention - - What You Can Do to Help a Child You Care About Feel Better Part 1: For parents. Self-esteem is a concept that has received a lot of both negative and positive press in the past decade, so I will not bore you with rehashing the debate. Instead, let's just agree that children need to feel good about themselves and optimistic about their future if they are to survive the rugged ups and downs of adolescence. As parents, you can do more than anyone else to let your kids know he is loved and valuable. 1. Start early. It is never too early to let your child know that you think he is wonderful. You remember how you cheered and clapped when he took those first few baby steps? He needs to always have the sound of your applause playing in his ears to drown out the boos and hisses of the world. So be at the Little League game or the recital. Embarrass him with you enthusiasm. Always cheer him on, even when he stumbles. Do all you can to see him enter adolescence with a strong feeling of self-worth. 2. Keep it real. Children in general and teens in particular can spot hypocrisy a mile off. The truth is that not everything your child does is wonderful. An F on a report card is not a cause for celebration. Don't be afraid to be honest about your concerns. On the other hand, a D on a report card could be a cause for thanksgiving depending on what the previous grade was. Don't worry, this only seems confusing because it is. So let me see if I can make it simple. Your child will not be good at everything, so don't lie to him and tell him he is. Instead, find something he is good at and encourage him in that direction. For example, let's say that your son is dyslexic, and finds it very difficult to read. However, he shows tremendous talent in math. The key to preserving his self-esteem is to acknowledge the reality of the situation and move on. Instead of insisting that he take 17th Century Korean Literature, let him take an extra year of English Grammar. But, encourage him to find his niche in the most challenging math courses he can handle. 3. Respect your child and make sure others do, too. I cannot emphasize the importance of this. Every human being is made in the image of God, and as such deserves respect just for being human. Always treat your child as you would have him treat you. This means different things to different people. but here are some basics: Never belittle your child, especially in front of others. If your son or daughter needs correction, draw them aside and deal with the issue in private. Make sure that your child's progress in class, or lack there of, is held in the strictest of confidence. No one should ever have to worry that he will be teased because he failed a test that others found simple. Do not gossip about your child. This can be a difficult one, especially for moms. We often need to talk about our feelings and blow off steam. If you struggle with this, it is perfectly fine to confine in a very discrete, trusted friend. Just don't blab it all over the neighborhood. Never allow anyone to treat your child like they're dumb, or less significant than others their age. If they are poor readers, insist that they not be called upon to read at a club meeting. Instead, suggest that he be made treasurer. 4. Ask their opinion and share your's too. One of the best ways you can let you child know that you believe in him is to ask his opinion. This can be on any topic from what to have for dinner to who to vote for. You can also ask what he thinks about any area in which he has a particular aptitude. For instance, I have often asked my son to build something for me because he is very good with his hands. Likewise, if asked, be honest with your kids. My daughter has always enjoyed singing, even though for many years she was not very good. Although I encouraged her to do what she loves, I never told her that her voice was any better than it actually was. Ironically, puberty brought about some positive changes and she now sings very well, but is still humble enough to know that she has much to learn. 4. Give them something to do that they're good at and get out of their way. Look for opportunities for you child to strut his stuff. If he likes working on cars, teach him how to change the oil and then put him in charge of it in the future. If he manages money well, let him be in charge of the keeping the family books. Just be sure to avoid micromanaging, as this can give him a sense that you don't believe he is capable. Finally, always be sure to express gratitude for a job well done. 5. Teach them to laugh at themselves. In our hyper sensitive culture, there is often a lot of concern that kids not be laughed at. That is something we should encourage. However, we all make mistakes, and it is far better to admit a mistake and have a good laugh about it than to blow it out of all proportion and scurry around trying to hide it. So empower your child to laugh when he spells cat with a k or, worse yet, writes "pubic playground" instead of "public playground." He will be the stronger for it, and you will be more relaxed. 6. Be there, or at least near by. Make a commitment to be where your child is, whether it be a swim meet, choir concert, or school dance. That is the best way to know what's going on in and around his world. If he says he doesn't want you there, offer to stay in the background. If he really does not want you to come, be sure to be the one to pick him up afterward so you'll be the first to hear how everything went. If it was great, enjoy his happiness. If it didn't go so well, offer some soothing words but don't take it too seriously. Chances are things will look much better in the morning. 7. Keep it positive. Always be on the look out for something good you can say to or about your kids. One study suggests that for every negative comment, you should make at least three positive ones. This can sometimes be a challenge, but it is well worth the effort. One good policy is to try to start and end everyday on a positive note. I still say "Good morning my angel," to my 17 years old son. I also try to take a few minutes when he first wakes up to scratch his back, ask him how he slept, etc. We reverse the process in the evening, working hard to make sure everyone goes to sleep with a positive frame of mind. 8. Encourage healthy friendships. I cannot emphasize this enough. Teach your children early to be discerning about the people they hang around with, as they will very likely become like them. Don't be afraid to express attitudes that some might call judgmental toward how a potential friend dresses or acts. The bottom line is that we are all responsible for who we are as a person, and if someone is making bad choices, it is going to effect his life and the lives of those around him. Just make sure that you have good reasons for your judgments, and that they are not based on something inappropriate like the race or economic status of the other child. 9. Meet them where they are not where you want them to be. Sadly, o child is ever going to be everything we want them to be. However, we need to remember that what they are is good in its own way. So if you wanted an avid reader, but got a kid that only wants to play video games, try playing a game with them from time to time. When I ask my husband what he was doing in front of the X-Box with our son, he usually admits, "Running around let him kill me," and that's OK. It is far more importance to be on your child's team than to destroy your relationship by making him change sports. 10. Remember that its all about them, not you. Yeah, I know. You always wanted to be a physicist but you teachers told you girl's weren't good in math so now you're going to make sure your daughter has all the success you were denied. Except she's only interested in writing stupid poetry about princes rescuing maidens. What's that all about? Its about her being her, not you. Yes, I know it is just too sad, and so not what you wanted, but it is what you are given and you basically have two options. First, you can force your daughter to live out your dream, and quite possibly alienate her for life. Or, you can help her pursue her dream and keep her in the family. (And hey, maybe your granddaughter will be the great physicist.) 11. Be open, but not too open, about your own limitations. Again, this is tricky. You need to let your child know that even you are not good at everything, but you have to do it in such a way that it doesn't become an excuse for him not trying. So let's look at a right way and a wrong way to approach this. Wrong Way: I'm not surprised you have trouble reading. I was never very good at it either. In fact, if you're like me, you'll never be able to read well. Right Way: I'm not surprised you have trouble reading. I remember what its like to struggle to understand written words. Here are some techniques that helped me read better. 12. Teach them to take healthy chances. OK, so maybe there will be bears, or worse, bullies, at camp. But there might also be wonderful new friends and experiences that he never have again. So encourage you child to step out of his comfort zone, where appropriate, and take a chance that things might go well. 13. Teach him that its OK to give up sometimes. "Never give up, never surrender," sounds good in the movies, but realistically, it is not the best way to live. The truth is that there are some times when it just makes more sense to cut your losses and move on. And let's face it, its really hard to know when to stick it out and when to pack it in. So if we can't figure it out, how are we supposed to teach our kids? While there is no absolute way of telling when its OK to quit, a good rule of thumb is to evaluate the potential impact of success versus the impact of failure. For instance, if your child is struggling over and over again to try to master the words on a spelling list for a test that is less than one percent of his grade, it is not as important as studying for a final worth 25 percent. 14. Help them present their best selves. You may not know that the famous general George Patton was severely dyslexic. When he got into West Point he knew right away that he was never going to excel academically, so he committed himself to being the best soldier he could be. For him that meant looking for opportunities to take the lead in physical exercises, volunteering for difficult assignments and just working harder than anyone else in his class. And his efforts produced one of the greatest generals of all time, and a key part of the allied victory in World War II. So focus on what your child can do to improve his own image. Teach his early to smile at people and look them in the eye when he talks to them, and to shake hands firmly. Insist on good table manners, both at home and in public. Encourage him to stand up straight, and to dress neatly. All these things will work toward giving him a good personal appearance that will make a positive impression on others. 15. Remind them that they are too smart to do dumb things. Never let any learning disability be an excuse for inappropriate behavior. Emphasize that you do not need to understand Calculus to make good decisions. And when they blow it, never let them get by with trying to "play dumb." Insist that they live up to the same moral code as any other person in your family, even if it is a bit more difficult for him. 16. Love them. Always. And make sure they know it. Love is something that we all feel towards our children, most of the time. But even when we don't feel it, we still have to do it. Everyday. Even when its hard. Love means being patient when you have to say the same thing over and over again. It means being kind when they are not. Love means supporting them in their own strengths, even when they are different from ours and answering politely when we want to yell. Love means putting their needs above our own without resentment. It also means controlling our tempers, and refusing to bring up past mistakes over and over again. It means minimizing the negatives in their lives, while accentuating the positives and being excited about who they really are. Most of all, it means protecting your child from harm while still trusting him to make good decisions, and always hoping for the best, forever. Real love is extremely difficult to give but outrageously important. For the Teacher While I confess that I only taught in a classroom setting for two years (one public, one private), I did spend 13 years in school as a student with anxiety disorder and intermittent depression. As I look back on the teachers that reached out to me and made a difference in my life, I remember certain things about them that have influenced how I see things now. It is based on those experiences that I write the following advice. 1. Get to know your students. We all know the easy kids: the cheerleader, the football captain, the genius. They are friendly and outgoing and you want to be around them. But I encourage you to take time to get to know the kid that seems a little slow, that sits in the back row and tries to keep you from noticing him. Take time to talk to him and you may change his whole life. 2. Be honest with your students about their strength and weaknesses. Everyone can do something well, but no one can do everything well and that's OK. So don't lie to a kid and tell him he writes beautifully if he can't even string three words together. But do help him find other ways to express his thoughts such as orally or through drawing and painting. 3. Make mutual respect a classroom priority. Always treat your students the way you want them to treat you. That means not losing your temper and never laughing at them. Do not tolerate any form of teasing a bullying, no matter what you have to do to stop it. 4. When possible, solicit opinions. A classroom is not a democracy, but you may be surprised a the cooperation you can get from your students if you just take the time to ask how they'd like to go about learning the material. You may also glean some great ideas that will make you teaching more effective. 5. Find something each student is good at and let him focus on that. I truly believe that everyone is born with a special gift. If you can focus on each student long enough at the beginning of the year to find out his special talent, and then let him work to his strengths, you will cut classroom problems in half. 6. Laugh at yourself. Yes it is important to maintain your student's respect. You may find, however, that they respect you even more if they see you acting human and able to laugh at your own mistakes. They will also feel that it is safe in your class to make mistakes and to laugh at themselves. 7. Be part of the bigger school picture. Try to attend events that students in your class are involved with. When you see a student outside the classroom, you will get a better feel for how he is doing emotionally. Is he interacting well with other students? Does he seem comfortable around his parents? These factors may give you insight into how he performs in class. 8. Keep classroom interactions positive. Be careful to never scold a student in front of others, or worse, publicly display any information related to grades. 9. Keep an eye of bully or other troublemakers. If some one is picking on a younger or weaker student, intervene immediately and send him straight to the principal. Not only is this the right thing to do, but if you continually ignored a child being bullied and some tragedy occurs as a result you could be held legally liable. 10. Allow each student to grow at his own pace. I know this can be very difficult, especially in a crowded elementary, middle, or high school classroom. If a student is truly struggling, however, allowing them to take a little more time with a test or to turn in a book report may make all the difference in the world to how they fare. 11. Make the students the center of the classroom, not you. Yes, I know you're very witty and charming, but save that side of yourself for a party. Make sure that you keep your focus in class on your students, and leave your personal life at home. 12. Be honest, within certain limits, about you own academic struggles. This goes hand in hand with laughing at yourself. Your students see you as having all the answers and don't realize that you once struggled with learning information. So don't be afraid to say, "The first time I read this poem I had to go over it five times before I figured it out." By saying this, you are giving your students encouragement that, even if they don't understand the poem after a couple of readings, they still may get it. 14. Arm your students to take healthy chances. Encourage them to try something different, like sharing a poem they wrote or creating a interpretive dance based on a Shakespearean play. You, and they, may be surprised at how well it goes. 15. Teach them that is OK to give up sometimes. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again," is an old and very effective adage. Continuing to struggle with the same material over and over gain in the same way can frustrate your students and lead to low self-esteem, depression, or worse. For their overall well-being, giving up may be the best option. Giving up of one small portion of their education will not doom them to failure for life. Your students need to know this. 16. Encourage them to put their best selves forward. Compliment attractive haircuts. Demand that everyone sit up straight. Try starting one class by going around the room and shaking hands with each student, encouraging eye contact and a firm grip. You'll be surprised with how much more mature everyone acts. 17. Let them know that you believe they can do well. Make sure that there are more cheerleaders in your school than just the ones on the field. Encourage all your students, but especially those who are struggling, to keep trying. Make sure they know that you know they can succeed. 18. Take a chance and really care about them. What a scary thing this is. You may very well get your heart broken. But then again, you may get a visit someday from a grown man in a Lexus who says that he owes all his success to you. Now wouldn't that be cool? Conclusion This short book cannot hope to cover every facet of helping your dyslexic teen through the difficult teenage years with mental wholeness. There are scores of books to read, video series to view, and courses to take if you determine that your teen's problems go beyond normal adolescent angst. What I have given is a brief overview and some very practical suggestions to preventing your teen from sliding into depression and giving serious thought to committing suicide. These suggestions are not based on any professional expertise. I'm a mom with two dyslexic children, one of whom also suffers from some severe mental health issues. What I've given you is based on lessons learned from experience, things I've read, classes I've taken, and other people I've talked who have traveled the same road. I would like to offer you a guarantee, but I can't. Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet, no formula that can guarantee success. It is a terrible thought, but in the end all you do may not be enough. Even if you do everything right, your child still may try to harm himself, or worse, succeed. If that happens, you will have many long, dark roads to walk down. However, the one solace you might find is the knowledge that you did everything in your power to help him. On the other hand, it is very likely that you will be able to get your troubled child back on track using the information you have read here, and that you can glean from other sources. The current situation may be dark, but hopefully you and your child will soon emerge from this time stronger and happier than you have ever been before.
Helping kids with dyslexia to cultivate positive feelings is essential in order to ensure their success. By introducing them to activities and programs that focus on their strengths, children with dyslexia can begin to see themselves as capable and valuable. When they feel empowered, they will be better able to focus on the tasks they need to complete and they will become more confident in their abilities. Additionally, it is important to provide plenty of support and encouragement to boost their self-esteem. A positive attitude and an understanding of the challenges they face can make a huge difference in helping these children reach their full potential.
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